Mhm.
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This makes total sense…
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Meowchelangelo
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.