Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.