Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
so much to do
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner