Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.