Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Liquor Store Parking
Today’s Times
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it