Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.