Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.