MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
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*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Not today, today.
Not today.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
remember
only for emergencies
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.