MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
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[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Birds & Planes.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
It’s an epidemic…
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle