Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!