MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
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I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
A double negative is a big no-no.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.