MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
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[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I am never leaving this website
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
No flush
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I think I’ll stand
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.