MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
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lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
is this store having a stroke wtf
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Siri, fight Alexa.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”