Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

When I grow up, I want to be 16

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Take care of yourself, ladies

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack