mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
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Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Me buying fruit and veg
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…