mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
You Might Also Like
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Discuss
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.