mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
You Might Also Like
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I’m not alone. I have ants.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’