Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
my friends when i can’t do basic math
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
the noise i just made
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.