Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
sistine chapel
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.