Mice are just frozen Mwater.
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
next level snooze
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT