Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Is….Is this an option?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂