Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*