[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
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when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
you should fight them
– me as a therapist
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
How does one answer this?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice