@ohheyitszara

Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.

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@minkpinkustink

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

@ruinedpicnic

Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car?
[presses key button]
[tiny orange light flashes on the moon]
god dammit

@vanluvz1

Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

@Bagyants

I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag

@Darlainky

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

@PhilJamesson

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

@itsa_talia

things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy