Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.

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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato


Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car?
[presses key button]
[tiny orange light flashes on the moon]
god dammit


Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.


HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.


I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag


I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.


Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.


One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.


my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game


things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy