I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
You Might Also Like
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Happy birthday to all the women
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
This is amazing.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.