I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.
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Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car?
[presses key button]
[tiny orange light flashes on the moon]
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy