[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Sniffing the broccoli
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”