Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

😂

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.