[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?