[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..