Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

That stupid look on my face, is my face

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???