Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.