Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar