Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Now colored!
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend