Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
