Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles