Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
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strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
