[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams