[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Love this guy
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.