@ojedge

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

You Might Also Like

@freefanaddict

Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.

@freshestginger

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

@SamuelHLowe

“Based on a true story” means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.

@IndecisiveJones

I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.

@aspaul

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

@DeadLioness

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

@bitchofficially

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

@KalvinMacleod

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

@Ygrene

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha