I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“Based on a true story” means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Know why I pulled you over?
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha