[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war