[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
That’s enough internet for the day
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Go gym
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”