*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.