Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“I FIXED IT!”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
are there any atheist mantises?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.