Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.