Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.