*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.