*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!