Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.