Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
This hospital has everything
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid