Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
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Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.