Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
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Wikigenius
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.