Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
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You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.