Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
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if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
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Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare