[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
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If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”