[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Living the best life.. 😊
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
How funny!
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.