The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.