michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
wishing you and yours all the best
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.