michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
“I wouldn’t.”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.