michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
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WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Good morning ☺️
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.