Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

Thank you 🥹

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely