“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
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As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.