Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

🤣😂🤣😂

Crying is a sign of leakness.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

I have a new favorite meme page

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.