Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.