Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I’ve had worse
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
sleeping beauty
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..