Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Lmao
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot