Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
You Might Also Like
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
when u come home smelling like another dog
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count