Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
