Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.