Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My life in a nutshell
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Need WebMD
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.