Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

When you’re here for the treats.

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

who will stop them

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids