Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Come back with a warrant

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.