Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.