Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
You Might Also Like
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.