Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever