Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
How your email finds me
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.