Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Lmao

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.