Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

bros in the example zone 😭

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.