Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.