@SammySkinns

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

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@prufrockluvsong

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

@ibid78

[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much

@StatusInBeirut

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.

@iQuoteComedy

That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.

@KeetPotato

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

@House_Feminist

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

@LlamaInaTux

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

@six_2_and_even

Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?

@Contwixt

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.