Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.


The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.


ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses


Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.


[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that


I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.


I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.


I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid