All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over. nnLet me know when they read a book.
That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Honey can you pick up some bananas, melons, peaches, eggplants and clams at the Innuendo Market?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.