Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
incredible text to wake up to
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this