@SammySkinns

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

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@aveuaskew

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

@Vice_Queen

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

@bornmiserable

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

@Tmoney68

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

@ArfMeasures

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

@GreyPath1

I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.

@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

@laurajennyjo

I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid