Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

ㅤ

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist