Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Fidel Castro was alive?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
So the ex texted me
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards