Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”