Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Today’s Times
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.