Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.