Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI